Monday, May 15, 2006

Burnout

I've got to find a way to motivate myself.

I'm down to the last six weeks of a three year journey to a Masters degree. I cannot believe that I could run the marathon only to have my body give out within sight of the finish line. My rational mind simply won't accept that. Yet the rest of me is saying enough.

I am exhausted and that feeling won't go away no matter how much sleep I get. I can't motivate myself to take an interest in anything. The project that is supposed to be the culmination of three years of work and effort doesn't interest me in the slightest anymore. Even the impending grade at the end of the quarter isn't even enough of a motivator anymore. I feel detached from life...like I'm watching my life on TV.

I'm not writing this for anyone's sympathy. I've chosen the path I'm on and I need to see it through to the end. However, something has to change within me if I'm going to finish as strong as I started. The question remains, what needs to change? That is the answer I'm desperately searching for right now. Its not a matter of physical strength. Perhaps its strength of will or something along those lines.

What I sincerely hope is not the problem is that I'm having a pride issue. The only thing remaining for my degree is my final project. I've dotted all the 'I's and crossed all the 'T's as far as the University is concerned. They say I'm ready. I say I'm more than ready. My instructor is my only barrier to completion now.

Then there is the issue that my final project is for a development team I'm trying to break into, and that the project is very high profile for the University I work for. Again, I'm not looking for pity, I've chosen this path. However, I'm wondering if all the perceptions and expectations are playing on my nerves and I just don't have anything more to give.

The option I refuse to explore is the past. There is nothing I can do about it and it doesn't help the future at all. However, I'm at a loss for what to do from here. I guess I'm just not seeing all of the options that are available to me. Perhaps I need to just relax and examine where I am and tackle the next thing I need to accomplish and move on when its done. If that doesn't work, I fear there won't be time to attempt another solution.

Pray for strength, wisdom, and perserverence. God will provide.

1 Comments:

At 11:54 PM, Blogger wysewife said...

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Ok... so maybe a crown of righteousness is a little bit of an exaggeration for what really awaits you. And maybe it won't be the Lord.. the righteous Judge that will award you anything. But you have fought the good fight. You have kept perservering. You do have a judge that will present you with the Master's certificate showing your strength to complete the task at hand. Not only have you almost completed the task, you've done it VERY well. Your grades are something that I can only envy. I'm so proud of you and your accomplishments. You've said you just don't have anything more to give... but you do. You need to get rid of your negative thinking and realize all that you have accomplished.

I love you. I'm proud of you. I'm rooting for you... I think I'm your biggest fan. :x

Love you

 

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